i feel stupid

Just now I read back my old blog post, which is totally eww, hahah. I’m planning on to delete all the lame posts, yup I will soon, but now I just wanted to write, write everything that have been inside my head.

First thing first, I’m just recovered from stressfulness condition due to my psm2, so what I did is I just let myself fail in that subject this semester, yup, there is how it goes. Maybe a little sacrifice for my own sake, kalau tak I will be end up crazy kot, only god knows how I feel. Don’t say I don’t feel anything about that, I just don’t chose to overthink actually.

Alhamdulillah, I just turned 22. Can’t wait to turn 30 soon, hahah. Kalau panjang umur insya allah. Most of my friend are already settled down. Some of them got engaged. Some of them got married. Some of them have to get married, if you know what I mean. Apart from being single, I also being a part time uncertified counselor. Hell yeah, I love that, hahah. No lah, it just that one of my roommate really into an adult conversation, so I just shown her how matured I can be, hahah. I don’t know. Is it I’m just aging too fast? Because I already sketch my path for my future. And I kind of love it very much.

Well, recently I have been told by my other friend that one of my friend tell her she is hurt because of me. That sometimes my jokes doesnt suit her and what I’ve said sometimes broke her heart. Honestly, I’m just being honest because that is me. But if it doesn’t suit for her, it’s okay because I can’t change myself just to get fit with people. Because if I do, that was just me fucking faking myself.  I thought that she understood me, but I was wrong. I know why.  Because I can’t predict people. Because I’m not a fortune teller. Maybe I’m not being a good friend. But believe me everything I did before is sincere. All the good times that we have is true. Sorry because always hurt you with the truth. But I think, the best way is I’m avoiding you so that you will not get hurt anymore by me.

Me? I just have to accept that not everything that I do is acceptable. But everything happens, shows me clearly who is actually can stand with me. And I totally appreciated that. Thanks for stay. And you know who you are.

                                                                   

                                                                               

im done if u want to go

tatau la apa kau nak lagi dari aku.

but.

im done with u.

the ball not bouncing.

she stares outside the window

there are too much hate in her head

but she forgave everyone

because she wants to be forgiven

the cigar that she lights 

make her feel so calm

in her tiny world

she begun to cry

she never understood her own self

she carved herself a deepest pain

why?

because she chose to love, to care

she wants to end all the pain

become heartless might be the option

even it is not her

but she have to

there is a heart she need to take care of

which is her's

she were shrouded in the cloud

she's don't care

*lit cigar off

*switch off lamp

*go to bed

then suddenly tears drop

panorama hill

waa...punye la nak tengok matahari naik hari tu...gigih pergi sebeluum subuh lagi...sampai2 langit mendung jaa...tak dapat nak tengok sunrise..next time kot kalo ade rezeki lagi...huhuhuhaa

lame tak hiking..naik2 tu semue rase ade,,,rase nak muntah,,,pening,,nak tumbuk orang sumer ader...haha..

sebelum naik tu pulak duk pekena nasik lemak dulu...adehh...silap besor rasenye makan nasik lemak dulu..eii...taubat la pasni kalo nak daki mane2 kene makan ringan2 jaa...roti jaa pun oke laa kot...

sebelum ni aku ade naik bukit pelindung...tapi tah maner laa gambo2 tu..eishh geram betoi..lepas ni looking forward lagi nak daki mendaki ne..haha...banyak tempat sebenarnye teringin..antara sempat dan tak sempat jaa...

puncak bukit....sampei jugekkk....

kitorang gi tiga orang jaa...rean..aku...atiq..last minute punye plan...gamble jaa...haha

ngantuk eh...hahah..

nak tekentut bace caption si atiq ne...hehh....cam die tak pancit jaa...hikhokss... :p

p/s:sesungguhnya ciptaan ALLAH itu indah...hargai sebelum mate tertutup... :)

ketentuan

kalau aku rindu kat mak aku,,kat family aku..aku akan bace balik mesej2 lame dari dorang...tengok gambar2 lame balik..terubat sikit rindu...hehe..

cuma aku just terfikir satu bende,,ajal dan maut tu di tangan tuhan..kite tak tahu sape2 yang pegi dulu..boleh jadi aku dulu dan sebaliknye...

dan,,kalau aku yang pergi dulu at least ade kenangan untuk dikenang...mesej2 lame,,gambar2 lame tu,,untuk family aku ingat pada aku...:)

ouhh...rindunye...im alone here my family..rindunye mase kecik2...always be surrounded with my family...

salah satu kegembiraan aku adalah dapat tengok muka mak,,abang,,akak dan airis...dan itu pun dah cukup untuk aku...

ouh shit..someone cutting onions here..ouhh..

                        

                               belek2 balek mesej dari mak kalo rindu..mak ade care tersendiri kalo menaip ne..heheh

rindulaaa....

here i come...~~UMP

ALHAMDULILLAH~~ keputusan upu hari tu menempatkan aku di UMP..huoo...jauh sehh..pahang tu..

aku ingatkan dapat la course forensik tapi rezeki kat software engineering..terima aje lah..ape2 pon aku rase bersemangat nak masuk belajar balik ni..

seronok rasenye dengar teman2 kat matrik semuanyer berjaya further study..wahh...tambah2 my bestfriend feeza..dapat sambung medic tuu...alhamdulillah...aku bangge dengan ko...lepas ni kita sama2 berusaha dalam bidang kita masing2 okeh,,,^^..sampai dekan..

lepas ni akan jauh dari keluarge..dulu mase kat matrik tiap2 minggu boleh la balik..sekarang ni kalau aku kat pahang memang tak larh balik tiap2 minggu..rabak poket..tokeh balak pon bankrap(ayat mak aku)..keh2~~

aku harap aku takkan lari dari landasan..semoga ALLAH tetapkan IMAN aku..tujuan tetap satu..nak belajar sungguh2..buat mak bapak aku bangga..bile dah keje nanti nak hantar dorang pergi MEKAH..bagi diorang kehidupan yang lebih selesa..AMINN..

ni gambaq tang mana kat UMP tak taw r..hasil google search~~~tihihi

KOLEJ MATRIKULASI PERAK

for a year i've been here,,there are lot of memory has been created..(asal labon omputih lak ni??hehh)..
aku rase rindu nak bergurau senda dengan kawan2 balik..kawan2 aku...semuanye ohsemm gile..

dulu masa mula nak masuk matrik memang dilema gile..tapi dengan keizinan ALLAH aku cekalkan hati nak masuk sana..aku ingat lagi yang cikgu aku cakap kalau dapat masuk matrik jangan pergi,,sebab silibus die gile babi punye laju..tambah2 math..(sebab cikgu tu cikgu math)..tapi alhamdulillah,,subjek tu jugak la aku dapat A!!

so pesan aku kepada adik2 yang dilema nak masuk matrik..please jangan dengar ape orang sekeliling cakap..buat keputusan yang terbaik dalam hidup korang..berdoa banyak2!!itu yang penting...mohon pada ALLAH s.w.t petunjuk..

aku akui dekat matrik memang rase tertekan..tambah2 budak2 pst(program satu tahun)..sebab itulah rohani korang kene kuat..solat jangan tinggal..baca al quran hari2 kalau mampu..

aku harap korang betul2 kenalpasti minat korang..aku masuk matrik sebab aku minat sains..aku nak libatkan diri aku dalam bidang biologi..so aku bukak langkah aku masuk matrik instead of further study dalam bidang engineering(aku dapat gak tawaran buat dip.civil engineering)..orang duk marah aku sebab ape tolak tawaran tu..well jawapan aku mudah je..sebab aku nak ringankan beban mak aku..

aku sedar masuk matrik tak menjamin yang aku betul2 dapat apa yang aku inginkan..tapi sekurang2nya aku dah berusaha nak mencapai apa yang aku hajati..selebihnya aku serahkan kepada ALLAH swt untuk tentukan..andai bidang ini bukan yang terbaik untuk aku insyaallah akan ada ketentuan yang lebih baik buat aku..walaupun sebenarnya ketentuan tu aku tak suka..

sebenarnya aku bukanlah budak yang pandai pun..spm pun bukannya straight a's..sampaikan kawan aku dok tanya kat aku.."weh betul ke ko nak amik aliran sains ni"?..pastu ade pulak yang duk mesej akat aku berulang2 kali ayat yang same which is"dah ready ke nak exam?"..well this things actually really2 hurts me..i know their stigma of me..

tapi aku anggap bende tu semua sebagai diorang juz nak ambik berat je dekat aku..hell my negative thinking..

ape2 pon aku dah selamat menamatkan pelajaran aku dekat matrik..banyak suka dan duka dekat sana..pengalaman kat sana memang bernilai..miss all the momentos...

hari terakhir di matrik..packing2~~